Parenting Young Adult Children: Prioritizing Needs Over Demands Post-Divorce

Parenting Young Adult Children: Prioritizing Needs Over Demands Post-Divorce

By Shauna Paynter
Originally Published April 2018

Divorce poses significant challenges for parents and their young adult children. Many divorced parents grapple with a desire to meet their children's demands, often driven by guilt. Conversely, some parents adopt a "woe is me" attitude, withholding support due to feelings of victimhood. Drawing from over a decade of experience in family therapy, I’ve observed that these dynamics not only undermine parental relationships but also set troubling precedents for children’s future romantic choices.

For example, when fathers or mothers overindulge their young adult children, providing everything they ask for and disclosing their financial situations, they foster a sense of entitlement. This dependency can result in someone who continuously turn to their "overproviding parent" for support, negatively impacting their ability to establish fulfilling romantic relationships. They may expect partners to cater to their needs, mirroring their "overproviding parent's" enabling behaviour.

On the other hand, a mother or father proclaiming "woe is me" inadvertently train their young adult children to take on the “rescuer” role. Sons or daughters raised in this environment may seek out partners who embody victimhood, reflecting a learned reliance on others’ emotional struggles rather than pursuing healthy, mutually supportive relationships.

The Challenges of Overindulgence

1. Guilt Cycle:
   Post-divorce guilt may compel parents to try and fulfill every financial request, offering unneccessary financial support and overgiving. This creates confusion between support and enabling dependency not only in relationships with their children but also in the broader context of their children’s future partnerships.

2. Unhealthy Financial Transparency:
   Disclosing too much financial information invites unrealistic expectations. Children may come to view financial support as an entitlement, shaping their criteria for future partners and reinforcing unhealthy dependency.

3. Impact on New Relationships:
   Research indicates that prioritizing young adult children hinders the development of new romantic relationships. When a father or mother indulges or victimizes themself, it introduces unhealthy models of love and support, making it harder for young adults to interpret healthy relationships. Anxiety is created in the young adult children and they often do not know why. 

Actionable Strategies for Parents

1. Evaluate Financial Support:
   Differentiate between needs and demands. While it’s reasonable to cover essentials like car insurance, paying for every discretionary expense can foster entitlement. Be aware of overgiving to relieve your personal guilt. 

   • Action: Establish a clear budget for financial support and discuss these expectations openly. Promote awareness of the difference between support and indulgence.

2. Maintain Financial Privacy:
   Discuss financial literacy without oversharing personal details. Continuous comparisons to your financial situation can foster guilt and entitlement, shaping your child’s future partner expectations.

   • Action: Share general budgeting principles instead of specifics. Teach them financial management skills while protecting sensitive information. 

3. Foster Independence:
   Encourage your young adult children to earn their income through part-time work or internships. This promotes accountability and essential life skills.

   • Action: Set expectations that require them to manage transportation costs. Encourage financial responsibility to foster independence in their future romantic decisions.

4. Reassess Relationship Priorities:
   As you navigate parenting and dating, prioritize your new relationship. An overemphasis on young adult children can sabotage new partnerships and distort your child's understanding of healthy relationships.

   • Action: Allocate dedicated time for your relationship to prevent overshadowing by your children’s demands. Regular date nights can reinforce the importance of prioritizing healthy, fulfilling partnerships.

Reflection for Growth

Your parenting choices significantly impact both your relationship with your young adult children and your romantic life. Finding a balance between needs and personal fulfillment is essential for nurturing healthy relationships and setting positive examples for your children’s future partnerships.

Reflection Questions:

• How often do you react to your children's demands out of guilt? Be mindful of these instances and their broader implications.
• What boundaries can you set to support your children’s growth while honoring your own needs?
• How does sharing your financial matters influence your children's perspectives on relationships? Ensure that your need to be needed does not dictate your reactions.

By acknowledging your young adult children’s needs while also attending to your emotional health, you can establish a balanced approach to parenting after divorce. Recognizing the importance of prioritizing your new relationship alongside parental responsibilities will enrich your life while promoting your children's independence and future relationship choices.

Remember, an unlived life diminishes not only your joy and fulfillment but also affects your young adult children. For further insights, consider Dr. James Hollis’s book, Hauntings: Dispelling the Ghosts Who Run Our Lives. Take a deep dive into the psychological significance of how our parenting impacts our children and their children by watching this video by Dr. Hollis.